So how can you tell if you are a Plantaholic? Grade the depth of your affliction on your responses to the following. Exclamation noted ones are my own answers.
You are a Plantaholic if: (And keep score, some are worth extra points!)
1. You identify and look at the foliage rather than the flesh when watching R rated movies!
2. Your partner comments that your Erotica is misplaced in Hortus 111!
3. You have trouble relating to vegetarians!
4. Your sap runs higher when you stroke a plant rather than a person! (Or a really sexy suiseki rock for that matter!) 2 points
5. Do you dream of vinings rather than twinings, or have nightmares of bugs?
6. Worse yet have nightmares of lovers that are bugs? 2 points
7. You wear a woolen suit, covered with Chia Seed.
8. Your baldhead is covered with Chia Seed! (Or you view it as being Jinned) 2 points
7. You wear a woolen suit, covered with Chia Seed.
8. Your baldhead is covered with Chia Seed! (Or you view it as being Jinned) 2 points
9. Your vision of exercise is that of watching a Miscanthus swaying in the wind!
10. You have asked your Garden Center to open a Drive-Through Window!
11. When New Ager’s dangle their crystal, you pull out your Madrona! (True event!)
12. You have permanent lawn garbage bags as your companion in your truck!
13. You invite your date to go cruising for neighbor’s lawn garbage bags at night! 2 points
14. You have to think if your four letter words are compostable.
14. Your dating plan is to wait and hit on someone at a plant clinic or flower show.
15. You tell freinds that your bonsai tree came over on the mayflower.
16. You know how many bales of straw your Toyota will carry!
17. Your tailgate has a continual problem with manure drip!
18. If garden centers turn on their lights when they see you coming!
19. If the golf course or arboretum sends out it’s security squad after you enter!
20. If you start taking cuttings or seeds at the arboretum or esp. at the Peking National Gardens! (True! 3 points)
21. Worse yet, if you are caught there with your pruning shears and baggies! 3 points
22. If you have ever been kicked out of a rockery or botanical garden for propositioning the inhabitants! 2
23. You bring your pruning shears and wire into the Arboretum or Japanese Garden and demonstrate what they are doing wrong! 2
24. You use your pruners for personal hygiene!
25. Worse yet you use your hedge clipper to do your hair! (Not any more)
26. The police give you a ticket for using your truck to prune some trees. 3 points!
27. You think freaks of nature like cristations are things to bring home and cherish!
27. You think freaks of nature like cristations are things to bring home and cherish!
28. You treasure that old bathtub or toilet bowl as a potential garden fixture!
29. You cruise the neighborhood or neighbors homes for such fixtures!
30. You know what native leaves are the best for toilet paper! 2 points
31. You think a fiddleneck is someone you would like to date!
32. Your passenger seat is more often filled with compost bags instead of a date!
33. If on that date you begin your conversation as being an expert on worm beds.
34. You invite your date in a roll in the hay, which turns out to be Poison Oak!
35. Worse yet you compliment her on her procumbent figure or decribe her figure as a "weeping cascade."
36. You think “turning the compost” is going to steam up the date.
37. You prefer to cruise for humus rather than for humor.
40. You view your potential mate as how well he or she can motivate the wheelbarrow!
41. You invite your In-laws to help turn the compost pile! You think of them as Burrs in you backside!
42. If upon your divorce your major custody battle is about the children. Bolax, Hoya and Blechnem!
43. Divorce, when mentioned to your lawyer is referred to as deadheading!
44. Part of the problem being … she calls you decumbent, worse yet deciduous when needed.
45. People smell your car long before they see it!
46. You prefer to bathing in Safer Oil, than regular soap.
47. Worse yet you begin enjoying showering in Neem oil!
48. You prefer listening to the BBC or the Canadian Gardener rather than to your spouse!
49. You have every one of his episodes on tape.
50. If you know and are comfortable with the word ‘fingerpinch!
51. If the Agricultural extension agent calls for backup when visiting your garden!
52. Manicurist exclaims”Why honey chile, Ah neva done seen humpbacked calluses like these.”Whatever do you eva do!”
53. Bolax, Hoya and Blechnem rebel and report you for child abuse in ‘Weed and tell!”
54. There are more six-pacs of fish fertilizer or B-1 than Anheuser Busch on the floorboard of your car!
55. You consider Ann Lovejoy or Martha Stewart, deep thrill reading.
56. You compliment your partner’s pistil or the size of her lobes! 2 points
57. Pollination is your thought rather than sex and you refer to the size of your anthers or stamen. 2 points
58.‘Pricking out’ refers to seedling removal.
59. Worse yet, you call your coach potato partner a Saprophyte, or worse yet a SAPonaria!
60. Campho-Pheneque, Ben Gay and Momentum are your drugs of choice!
61. You think ‘Miracle Grow’ is a sex enhancer like Viagra. .
62.You sneak out and use your husbands Viagra on your houseplants. 2 points
67. You drink your wine out of fertilizer measuring jars!
67. You drink your wine out of fertilizer measuring jars!
68. You bring your pruners to the table should the ‘Hungry Man’s’ take out be not properly unfrozen!
69. You use a leaf blower to dust the house!
70. You hang around heavy fertilizer bags at the Garden Center hoping to snag a hunk.
71. A new self discovery. Abuse of Latinized plant names or Japanese as regards to bonsai. You continue to correct "commmon names" and worse even regurgitate upon hearing incorrect "common names>"
71. A new self discovery. Abuse of Latinized plant names or Japanese as regards to bonsai. You continue to correct "commmon names" and worse even regurgitate upon hearing incorrect "common names>"
And so it grows,Xerophytically yours, My daughter Hoya just added:
63. You find yourself viciously planning battle strategies against any unsuspecting weed you may pass by on your walk about the park.
64. The smell of manure makes you feel nostalgic for your days as a child playing “Manure Castle.”
65. You find at minimum centimeter layer of topsoil in your vehicle throughout the various seasons!
66. You imagine roof moss and ivy as architectural additions, instead of a need for re-roofing.!
66. You imagine roof moss and ivy as architectural additions, instead of a need for re-roofing.!
Turns out that I was 71 proof. Those of you scoring above 40% seriously consider the Plantaholics Getaway. My next challenge. Out of some 84 points I scored around 60. (71 proof chlorophyll for blood.) 0-25 proof (suggestions?) 50-70 proof—(suggestions?)
70-100 proof—You are a proud and deserving recipient of myTerminal Plantaholics award“ Now I am going to have to create some graphic to send to you. In the meantime send me your name and favorite color and I will create something for you. Your own contribution of a test question is however demanded!
© Herb Senft 2008
I just received an email from a client of mine. "I can't believe that you thought up all of these! Plus, those of your daughter."
ReplyDeleteConsidering some of the stuff in her garden, I suggest she should do an honest test herself.
I did however re-test and found out that after 10 years I have not changed that much. I view that as good. Now I must confess that I did not pilfer seed from the Bejing Botanical gardens, nor did I run a truck into some trees and left it as hanging debris. Those six points belong to others.
Same for the Viagra. My dear friend John could never remember why his supply seemed to deplete more than his Gotu Kula diminished memory could either.
His wife actually used it on a Sequioa gigantia and boy oy boy, did it ever grow! For that matter, beer used on some plants actually encourages growth ... go figure. So guys, watch out for your six-pack!
BTW Bing had no hits on the above herb. Google did!