Plantaholic or Bonsaiholic?

So how can you tell if you are a Plantaholic? Grade the depth of your affliction on your responses to the following. Exclamation noted ones are my own answers.

You are a Plantaholic if: (And keep score, some are worth extra points!)

1. You identify and look at the foliage rather than the flesh when watching R rated movies!

2. Your partner comments that your Erotica is misplaced in Hortus 111!

3. You have trouble relating to vegetarians!

4. Your sap runs higher when you stroke a plant rather than a person! (Or a really sexy suiseki rock for that matter!) 2 points

5. Do you dream of vinings rather than twinings, or have nightmares of bugs?

6. Worse yet have nightmares of lovers that are bugs? 2 points
7. You wear a woolen suit, covered with Chia Seed.
8. Your baldhead is covered with Chia Seed! (Or you view it as being Jinned) 2 points

9. Your vision of exercise is that of watching a Miscanthus swaying in the wind!

10. You have asked your Garden Center to open a Drive-Through Window!

11. When New Ager’s dangle their crystal, you pull out your Madrona! (True event!)

12. You have permanent lawn garbage bags as your companion in your truck!

13. You invite your date to go cruising for neighbor’s lawn garbage bags at night! 2 points

14. You have to think if your four letter words are compostable.

14. Your dating plan is to wait and hit on someone at a plant clinic or flower show.

15. You tell freinds that your bonsai tree came over on the mayflower.

16. You know how many bales of straw your Toyota will carry!

17. Your tailgate has a continual problem with manure drip!

18. If garden centers turn on their lights when they see you coming!

19. If the golf course or arboretum sends out it’s security squad after you enter!

20. If you start taking cuttings or seeds at the arboretum or esp. at the Peking National Gardens! (True! 3 points)

21. Worse yet, if you are caught there with your pruning shears and baggies! 3 points

22. If you have ever been kicked out of a rockery or botanical garden for propositioning the inhabitants! 2

23. You bring your pruning shears and wire into the Arboretum or Japanese Garden and demonstrate what they are doing wrong! 2

24. You use your pruners for personal hygiene!

25. Worse yet you use your hedge clipper to do your hair! (Not any more)

26. The police give you a ticket for using your truck to prune some trees. 3 points!


27. You think freaks of nature like cristations are things to bring home and cherish!

28. You treasure that old bathtub or toilet bowl as a potential garden fixture!

29. You cruise the neighborhood or neighbors homes for such fixtures!

30. You know what native leaves are the best for toilet paper! 2 points

31. You think a fiddleneck is someone you would like to date!

32. Your passenger seat is more often filled with compost bags instead of a date!

33. If on that date you begin your conversation as being an expert on worm beds.

34. You invite your date in a roll in the hay, which turns out to be Poison Oak!

35. Worse yet you compliment her on her procumbent figure or decribe her figure as a "weeping cascade."

36. You think “turning the compost” is going to steam up the date.

37. You prefer to cruise for humus rather than for humor.

40. You view your potential mate as how well he or she can motivate the wheelbarrow!

41. You invite your In-laws to help turn the compost pile! You think of them as Burrs in you backside!

42. If upon your divorce your major custody battle is about the children. Bolax, Hoya and Blechnem!

43. Divorce, when mentioned to your lawyer is referred to as deadheading!

44. Part of the problem being … she calls you decumbent, worse yet deciduous when needed.

45. People smell your car long before they see it!

46. You prefer to bathing in Safer Oil, than regular soap.

47. Worse yet you begin enjoying showering in Neem oil!

48. You prefer listening to the BBC or the Canadian Gardener rather than to your spouse!

49. You have every one of his episodes on tape.

50. If you know and are comfortable with the word ‘fingerpinch!

51. If the Agricultural extension agent calls for backup when visiting your garden!

52. Manicurist exclaims”Why honey chile, Ah neva done seen humpbacked calluses like these.”Whatever do you eva do!”

53. Bolax, Hoya and Blechnem rebel and report you for child abuse in ‘Weed and tell!”

54. There are more six-pacs of fish fertilizer or B-1 than Anheuser Busch on the floorboard of your car!

55. You consider Ann Lovejoy or Martha Stewart, deep thrill reading.

56. You compliment your partner’s pistil or the size of her lobes! 2 points

57. Pollination is your thought rather than sex and you refer to the size of your anthers or stamen. 2 points

58.‘Pricking out’ refers to seedling removal.

59. Worse yet, you call your coach potato partner a Saprophyte, or worse yet a SAPonaria!

60. Campho-Pheneque, Ben Gay and Momentum are your drugs of choice!

61. You think ‘Miracle Grow’ is a sex enhancer like Viagra. .

62.You sneak out and use your husbands Viagra on your houseplants. 2 points
67. You drink your wine out of fertilizer measuring jars!

68. You bring your pruners to the table should the ‘Hungry Man’s’ take out be not properly unfrozen!

69. You use a leaf blower to dust the house!

70. You hang around heavy fertilizer bags at the Garden Center hoping to snag a hunk.
71. A new self discovery. Abuse of Latinized plant names or Japanese as regards to bonsai. You continue to correct "commmon names" and worse even regurgitate upon hearing incorrect "common names>"

And so it grows,Xerophytically yours, My daughter Hoya just added:

63. You find yourself viciously planning battle strategies against any unsuspecting weed you may pass by on your walk about the park.

64. The smell of manure makes you feel nostalgic for your days as a child playing “Manure Castle.”

65. You find at minimum centimeter layer of topsoil in your vehicle throughout the various seasons!
66. You imagine roof moss and ivy as architectural additions, instead of a need for re-roofing.!

Turns out that I was 71 proof. Those of you scoring above 40% seriously consider the Plantaholics Getaway. My next challenge. Out of some 84 points I scored around 60. (71 proof chlorophyll for blood.) 0-25 proof (suggestions?) 50-70 proof—(suggestions?)

70-100 proof—You are a proud and deserving recipient of myTerminal Plantaholics award“ Now I am going to have to create some graphic to send to you. In the meantime send me your name and favorite color and I will create something for you. Your own contribution of a test question is however demanded!

© Herb Senft 2008

Mullings on re-incarnation

In my profile I asked: "If you were to be born again, would you be a different gender? Failing human reincarnation -- what species of animal?
Failing, that what plant species would you like to come back as?" More needs to be said!

This was a late night mulling of mine. You see, I am thinking of my future re-incarnation. The question premise was:

Accepting for fun, an alternative religious belief. If you are re-incarnated, would you come back as a man or a woman. State your present gender please and reason for change.. Reasons why.

Failing coming back in that human or chosen gender status, which other animal (also God’s creatures) would you like to come back as and why?. Or as one Christian suggested I re-word it to, what animals we would be in respect of our personality The same applies to the second question.

Failing that we are left to infest the plantworld. Am I to be an Oak, a Eucalypt, or a Willow. Or am I doomed to be a sub-shrub? A Mahonia perhaps or god forbid as a Hellebore. I am still trying to remember what I chose and or to the why.

Please note that I have left out insects. I doubt any indiscretions in our present lives would punish me down to the dung beetle level.

On an English blog, one that finally banned me, I found a strange reluctance of members to post to this topic. Those that did so, did in privately. Examples being:

Had to do with an albatross and the ability to soar. I on the other hand always preferred the water. I wouldn't mind being an otter.

I do think I once wrote something about this subject. It was more tuned into "Personality traits -- if you had to do a self-descriptive, which tree would you be. I forgot what I chose for myself, hopefully a limb will fall on me and remind me.

I decided to make more of my own preferences known! :-)

"My own wishes might come back to bite me. Being bald, I really would like to be re-pelted. Not just with a toupee, but all over. Chinchilla fur would be wonderful and like the Selke I could shed water and retain body heat. This is a serious issue in the Pacific Northwet.

Now back to the dog, or cat. (As posted by one British post -- being able to bite the postman. Th U.K must have some nasty relations there. My major element being the the tail. Getting a second language, signing with a tail would be most wonderful.

If God, were to redesign the package I am in. It would be with a fine luxurious fur and a tail. Getting into ones pants might take a bit longer, but the advantages would be worth it. Flirting with a tail would also be fun.
Of course everyone else would have to come back that way as well. One wouldn't want to stand out.

"I CAN EXPLAIN THIS HONEY!"

As for soaring birds, eagles and such. Have you ever seen a bird molt? Having feathers never did tempt me. I do remember having a dream in which I was a parent frog trying to get its frogling child to swim. I hope that isn't a sign from the Almighty of what is in store for me. Again a water element. A sea seal or Selke! Just think of all the abalone I could eat."

The discussion evolved into "Green Burial" Something they do in Great Britain and Tasmania. A poster responded:

"We have woodland burials in compostable cardboard coffins, also! This is what I would like! I know we are all supposed to have derived from things that crawled out of the oceans, but I can't stand seafood, nor the smell! I love good old earthy scents! If not an oak, perhaps a Buddha davidii, so that all the madame butterflies would flock to me, as they didn't ,in life? Ha ha!"

I really like that idea. I forget what famous Scottish biologist or beloved plantsman was buried at his college and then had some tree planted above. I would like it to be a Redwood or Sequoia. Then I know my bones would have some peace.

I say no to the Buddleia, too much of a weed bush. If you want to have a show of feminine attention try the Fremontia. That said, female bees are Amazons and what they do to their male own brethren at the end of the year could make a grown man cry! Even in the joy of the act, the queen bee retains more than the sperm of the drone, with very unfortunate results for the winning male. Gives me the willlies just thinking of the penil theft.

The take home answer for the poster of the question is:


Male -- I would go with the other gender, since I like them so much. Do I get to choose to be a Phylicia Rashaed or a Jacilyn Smith . Hell, why not go whole hog with Hallie Barrie?

I suspect the Creator would return me as a Phylis Dyler or a Roseanne Barr for that presumption alone.

Animal -- the Sea Otter or a Selkie. I would be so unhappy to come back as a badger or as a mouse.

Plant -- I am still pondering but am leaning to Garry Oak or Sequoia..

I picked some beautiful woman. Now I would make it a Korean woman. Tough suckers they are. I think the karmic review board would give me a double bonus, for choosing the other gender and then for a different race. My ascension may have been stunted because I always came back as a white male. I figure it this way; I only have two more to go. That future one, and then as a black person of either gender.

Now I have some hope of finally high hurdling those Pearly Gates or remaining downstream and being a pooper scooper.

I hesitate even to suggest that I may have erred so mightily that I might have to come back as a rock. Time to ponder in a gravelly voice -- WHY????
What rock? An Opal I think, being a Fire-sign I like the fire of that rock. Just as long as I don’t come back as a sulfurous mineral. That would really give me the re-incarnation blues.

I think I will just go back to sleep and see what I wake up to tomorrow.



Worse yet the threat of the inanimate alternative. Worst Jobs for sure!






(C) Herb Senft 2009